I find myself constantly caught between these small moments and the big picture. I worry that I'm going to miss big opportunities because I'm content where I am at. This seems contradictory. Shouldn't I just be content? At a certain point I don't have anything other than myself forcing me to take that next step. I could live here longer term and probably get comfortably promoted at work but time is an interesting thing. Why is it that now feels like the time to go to graduate school? It seems like 2006 could slip by unnoticed and next year would be just as good a year as this one. Jason is already talking about being antsy to leave the country again. I definitely feel that too, but I think the more important thing I've been listening to lately is this contentedness within myself. I'm so comfortable with the quietness of my home that I haven't even been listening to much music lately. I think I'm supposed to shake myself up and get out of here. But I also think the contentedness here will actually work well for me when I do leave.
You hear so much talk about your world shrinking as you get older, and it's been very strange to watch that happen to myself. I feel acutely aware of how alone I could be if I just didn't return a phone call here or answer an email there. It seems like we can be so thinly connected to each other. Sometimes I look at my friends and I see these threads strung from one heart to the other. These threads are thin. And these bonds all seem far too easy to break. If you grasp too tightly, they tear. If you let them get too lax, you're no longer being held together. There can be too many threads and then you tear instead of the thread. I like this idea of being tied one to the other. I think it projects both delicateness and strength, and you have to be both careful and deliberate or it doesn't work. I've been seeing that image for a long time and if I could paint, I would paint this. But for now, at least I have words for it.